The New Girl, or as I like to call it “Fatal Attraction for Teens” was the first book to begin my descent into the world of R.L. Stine. I remember reading this when I was like 16 and thinking “Um, what the fuck?” while reading it. And now, 13 years later, I am STILL thinking what the fuck. Because let’s get real, this book is fucking ridiculous. And I loved every second of it.
Look at her down there, all crumpled. Her dress all crumpled. She wouldn’t like that. She was always so neat. She wouldn’t like the blood, so dark and messy.
We start off the book with a murder, because YAAAAAAAAAY MURDER!!!!, and then instantly get sent into an 80s cafeteria, where our protagonist, Cory Brooks, is standing on his head and holding a tray of cafeteria spaghetti in his hands and twirling it around. First off, ew, cafeteria spaghetti. And cafeteria spaghetti from the 80s, no less. Secondly, I get that he is a gymnast, but come the fuck on. He’s standing on his head in the cafeteria. Anyways, he’s showing off to all of his friends, being a macho 16-year-old, when he sees her. This beautiful girl as pale as a ghost. She’s wearing clothes straight out of Twin Peaks (which I am all for), with blonde hair all curled to perfection. He becomes transfixed by her eyes, and like a dumb teen in love, he falls flat on his fucking face. In the cafeteria spaghetti. Oops.
Anyways, like a love struck teenager, he just has to know her. He asks everyone in school about her, and no one knows a damn thing. She’s practically a ghost. No one has seen her, no one has talked to her, and no one gives a shit. That is until Cory asks his best friend Lisa (who is the Duckie in this book, let’s be real) if he’s seen her. Of course she has! She’s in her physics class! He’s amped, so he asks her all these questions and Lisa gets so obviously jealous that it is absolutely hysterical. She tells him that her name is Anna Corwin, she’s strange, and that she just moved onto Fear Street (GASP!!!!!).
Now, I’m curious, is just up and calling a strangers house to ask her on a date a normal thing that kids in the 80s did? Growing up a child in the 90s, we sure as fuck didn’t do that. But that’s what Cory does. He is so head over heels over this girl after seeing her across a crowded cafeteria that he just ups and calls her house in the middle of the night to ask her on a date. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…the 80s were a fucking weird time. And honestly, I wish I was a child in the 80s.
So he calls up her house and this person answers the phone. He asks to speak to Anna, and this person straight up has a meltdown on the phone, screaming that Anna is dead and DON’T CALL HERE ANYMORE YOU HEATHEN. (They obviously didn’t call him a heathen, I am just adding that for dramatic effect.) Cory is obviously very perplexed (who wouldn’t be) that this person is telling him that Anna is dead. It’s just not possible in his eyes, because he’s seen her and he’s stared into those baby blues. In the coming days he keeps calling her, and every time he calls someone tells him that Anna is dead.
He decides once and for all that he’s going to investigate, so he drives to Fear Street to check it out. Fear Street is the local street that is the equivalent of Elm Street in this town. Bad shit always happens, and its always unexplained. He goes to her house and is greeted by an asshole with a studded earring (LOL!!!!!!!!) telling him to stop calling. Anna is dead and Cory needs to leave him and his family the fuck alone, or the consequences will be dire. But Cory does not believe this jackass with the one studded earring (again, LOL!!!!!!) because he’s seen her. He’s talked to her. He’s touched her soft skin, heard her soft voice, kissed her lips. Something is going on in the Corwin household, and Cory is going to get to the bottom of it, no matter what the cost.
In the meantime, Cory’s friend Lisa (our resident Duckie Dale) is head over heels for Cory and he just doesn’t even know it yet. He’s been oblivious to her awkwardness around him and her insane jealousy over Anna. Because Cory is a dumbass teenager, he can’t stop talking about Anna. He’s obsessed with her. He’s losing his concentration in everything. Thinking about her is messing up his schoolwork, his friendships, and even fucking up his gymnastics. And Cory is the golden boy of Shadyside High when it comes to gymnastics. So naturally, Lisa is worried and jealous. She thinks something is up with this girl, and boy is she ever right.
She does a little investigating of her own and finds out that Anna was a girl that was killed last year. She’s actually dead. There’s a newspaper article and everything about it. But still, Cory is not convinced. He has made out with the girl, for fuck sake. There’s no way he’s been playing tonsil hockey with a ghost. But Lisa is still trying to convince him, to no avail. Now this is where the story begins to get all Fatal Attraction-y. It only takes about 90 pages for it to get to the good stuff.
Lisa asks Cory to a dance, within the earshot of Anna. Cory accepts, and Anna becomes the teenage version of Glenn Close. She slits open a cats stomach and stuffs it in Lisa’s locker. She keeps calling her house and whispering how she’s going to die. Basically straight up tormenting the fuck out of Lisa, because according to Anna, CORY IS HERS AND NO ONE ELSE’S. Lisa is convinced that Anna is doing is this (because she is a fucking nut bar, of course she is doing this) and Cory does not believe it one bit. He is still obsessed with her. And Anna should win an Oscar, because she is faking shock and terror just to have Cory fall in love with her. A. Fucking. Head. Case.
Cut to the Turnaround Dance (LOL WHAT) and Lisa and Cory are still fighting over Anna. It is the world’s worst first date according to Cory, and Lisa storms off because Cory can’t seem to believe that Anna is killing cats and threatening her all so she can have him to herself. Cory is contemplating going after Lisa when he hears a bloodcurdling scream. Can you guys take a wild guess? Why, it’s Lisa of course! She’s fallen down the stairs! But OF COURSE SHE HASN’T REALLY FALLEN. She was pushed. And she thinks it’s Anna. Only (Plot Twist!) it isn’t Anna. It’s her brother, Brad.
I know I haven’t gotten to Brad yet. He is an integral part of the story. One studded earring and all, he is important. Brad is the brother of Anna (I don’t know why I’m repeating myself since I’ve told you this already) that is basically trying to scare Cory away from Anna. Because there’s something….off about her. Anna isn’t exactly who she says she is. He keeps trying to tell Cory that Anna is dead, but Cory is obviously not having any of his shit. As he is trying to scare Cory off, he is following Anna everywhere. He suspects something. And he should, because Anna is fucking Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
Anyways, Cory finally approaches Anna and is all like “TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I AM NOT DEALING WITH YOUR SHIT ANYMORE YOU CRAZY BITCH” and she finally spills her guts. According to Anna, Brad lost a girlfriend in a plane crash (of all the fucking things this bitch picks, its a plane crash) and he has never really gotten over it. They had a sister, Willa, and Brad started calling her Emily. Eventually Brad threw her down the stairs and killed her. At least, that’s what Anna suspects. After the sister was brutally murdered, Brad went back to normal. But now Brad is calling Anna by his dead girlfriends name, and Anna thinks that she’s going to be next.
Cory heads over to Anna’s house on Fear Street, fearing for her life, and comes face to face with Brad and Anna, fighting near a fire place. Cory pushes Anna off and the two dudes fight, with Cory eventually knocking Brad unconscious with a vase. Anna of course is all “MY HERO!” and then is all like “Hey, let’s go upstairs and celebrate.” This is some sexual ass shit for an R.L. Stine book. She could have just said LET’S FUCK in this. So like a horny teenager, he follows her upstairs. But Anna doesn’t want to celebrate. Oh, no. She wants to kill her brother. She grabs a letter opener and proclaims to Cory that she is, in fact, going to murder her terrible brother, and nothing is going to stand in her way. Not even Cory.
She attempts to slash Cory and fails. Miserably, might I add. In the nick of time, Brad is here to save the day, out of his stupor from being hit over the head with the vase. Cory thinks Brad is there to hurt him, but then Brad explains the truth to him. See, Anna is batshit crazy. And also not named Anna. See, Anna is actually Willa. She was the twin sister of Anna who became so jealous of how perfect she was, she murdered her. Straight up pushed her down the basement stairs because she was just too perfect. Once she murdered her sister everything was all cool beans. They decided to move to the house on Fear Street for a change of scenery. But when Willa went back to school, she had a full on meltdown. She started acting like Anna. She started dressing like her and talking like her. She was basically becoming Anna. And when Cory started calling and coming around asking for Anna, Brad became suspicious. So he started following her and figured it out.
The book ends very anticlimactic-y. Even bordering on boring as fuck. It basically ends with the crazy bitch screaming I’M ANNA I’M ANNA I’M ANNA and then that’s it. I don’t know, I feel like this one could have been a lot better then it was. I get that it was written for youths, but still. You would think that since this is the first book in the series it would have started out with a bang. Instead, it started off with a whimper.
I give The New Girl 3 out of 5 Slappys. (I mean Slappy the Dummy, you sick fucks! Not something perverted!!!!!!!!)